Happy December! I hope you’re getting all in festive season mode, if you celebrate!
My shop unfortunately has been closed for the last 2-1/2 weeks due to Canada Post being on strike. No delivery, no mail being accepted, all PO’s are closed behind picket lines. This kind of sort of really sucks for those of us with small businesses at this time of year, let me tell ya. No sales of the things we’ve been working on all year really sucks.
I took my shop offline as I can’t ship anything out until they are back to work. Alternative shipping options via courier are just too expensive.
My shops on Spoonflower, Red Bubble, Society 6, and TeePublic of course are still going, but if you’re in Canada, your order will not arrive & may not even be shipped until the strike is over of course.
So instead, I’m using this time to create new art, both for licensing, personal projects, and for sale for whenever things start rolling again.
I just finished a series of 4 pieces, which represent parts of me and the inner revolution I went through to get through having been the family scapegoat for my entire life. I talk about it a lot, and am glad to share my story because other people having shared theirs has helped me so much as I navigated figuring it all out and trying to understand that which is not really understandable. If I can help even one person feel not so alone, feel heard and seen, and give a hint of healing to their own story, my job is done.
Also as a note, I don’t share my story for pity or sympathy, only to share light and help others feel seen and heard. I can’t say I’m done with healing from all of it as I don’t think anyone is ever “done”, but I don’t live there anymore and have moved on from the worst phase. I guess I’m in “maintenance mode” now! I’m at peace and feel safe, and finally can relax and not think about it that often anymore.
So to get started, I based the pieces on the idea of tarot cards, with strong women warriors of each phase.
Each one is hand-painted in acryla gouache on paper, and mounted to cradle wood panels.
A bit of a back story first, I have been no contact with my family of origin for almost 9 years, and it was the very best decision I ever made for myself. I don’t want to give them any air time anymore, they know what they did and they should be very, very ashamed of themselves. And I’ll leave it at that.
No contact isn’t for everyone but for me it’s been transformative. I’ve learned so much about myself and why I do what I do & continually adjust and learn and grow as I go. I don’t accept poor behaviour from anyone anymore. I don’t allow myself to be taken advantage of, used, abused, or to be a people pleaser. I can’t believe I put up with so much shit from people who should never treat one of their own that way.
No more and never again.
The first piece is The Black Sheep.
I always knew I was different, from a very, very young age.
I was never treated the same as the rest of the family.
I was left out, not invited, not included.
I was made fun of, bullied, put down, teased.
Lied to, gossiped about, ripped apart, left out of important information and events.
I was threatened, called names, insulted, and treated as much lesser than other family members.
I was made to feel small, unimportant, like anything I did didn’t matter and I wasn’t worthy of celebrating anything about me or my achievements.
I was told to never ask for help and that there would never be any help for me.
When I got married, my “family” wanted nothing to do with it, “We don’t want to get involved” I was told.
I was given broken junk, leftovers, tablescraps, when others got new shiny things. Literally and figuratively.
I never understood why.
I knew it wasn’t normal but I couldn’t put my finger on and I didn’t even know how to explain it or give it a name.
Patterns carried over into other parts of my life, being severely bullied at school, at work, by people I thought were friends. Even people I’d just met! I know now that it all tied back to what was going on in the family I came from.
I was treated like an outsider, like I wasn’t even related. And often my existence was of convenience only. Some people in their circle didn’t even know they had a daughter or sister.
“Who the hell is that!” Somebody once said to a parent when I spoke to them, as I walked away, then they mumbled “Oh um my daughter”. “Oh sorry I didn’t know you had a daughter”.
This was a common thing with all of them. I didn’t exist unless they wanted something like a Thanksgiving dinner hastily eaten with no thanks, or a ride to the fabric store.
All this shit hurt. A lot. And added up and up and up.
I look back at it all and cringe with what I used to put up with just to try to fit in where I was never welcome or wanted. By people who were and are so sick and dysfunctional, they can’t even see that how they treated me is very wrong, abusive, cruel, and not anything close to normal in any way. By friends who used me and took and took and took until I got angry & said something, then didn’t understand why I was angry & ditched me.
Over and over and over again.
I played small and tried and tried to be liked, be loved, by people who could and would never like or love me because they couldn’t even like or love themselves. I became a loner to stay safe and was terribly lonely. I had to protect myself from people who should have had my back. I played along to get along with people who didn’t even know me & didn’t care.
Until I finally woke up and started realizing things were not ok and this was not normal and I started asking questions. I started googling behaviours and started uncovering some interesting information, like finding pieces of a puzzle in the dark. What is that they say- if you start searching out the why’s of particular behaviours you know there’s a problem?
That’s the Black Sheep part of me.
Fast forward to now and life is so much better.
I’m so glad I left that all behind, dropping the pieces on the floor & walking away. It will always be a piece of me, but I embrace the good parts about it- the strength and ability to cut thru the shit & protect myself no matter what. And a newfound ability to shine light into places where other black sheep tribe members are and we all stand together.
If you’ve ever met another black sheep, you will know right away. We tend to hang out in solitude but also in strong flocks of likeminded people, finally sparkling for others to find us and share our stories.
Can you relate?
I’ll share the story behind the next part of me, the (E)scapegoat, next week.
If these pieces resonate, I will have them for sale as soon as I can get my shop back up online.
I will also have prints available in my Red Bubble and Society 6 shops shortly.
With many thanks as always for your support of me and my work, it means so much!
Stay tuned for my shop updates, hopefully it is resolved soon.