Setting boundaries is something I sometimes still struggle with.
The die-hard people pleaser in me is like but, but, give another chance, maybe they’ll see me, maybe they’ll like me, then another… yeah no. No more of that. People show you who they are, for better or for worse. & if they cross a line or push too far, you need to set a boundary. I don’t think you need to necessarily tell them about it, circumstances pending of course, but you need to set it to protect yourself. Even if it’s just a quiet click- “unfriend” -on Facebook.
I’ve set a few over the past few years.
Firing a couple abusive clients after years of mistreatment & verbal abuse- man that felt good!
Letting go of people in my life, friends or whoever they were or are, who didn’t respect me, took advantage, and I finally woke up to it & said nah, I’m good. Byeeee.
Walking away from my abusive former family, who to this day still don’t understand how their actions were actually very cruel & why don’t I just get over it & take it like I always did?
It boils down to when someone expects the old people pleaser me. The me that was concocted by my former family to blame for every fucking thing that was wrong in that system, an excuse for their bad behaviour, someone to cover up their own shit– oh you think I’m bad, look at her!- someone to dump on, disrespect, lie about, make fun of, blame, shame, gossip about, gaslight, twist, goad, call names, take advantage of, steal from, accuse, and laugh at. It affected my whole life, my friendships, my work, my everything.
Until I woke up to it.
Now, when people don’t find that person anymore, they either completely fuck off never to be seen again,
or, they maybe finally start to see that I was never actually that person & they were wrong about me, so they are feeling the shame they formerly dumped on me and apologize – which is a whole other ball game of if you want to accept them in your life or not-
or… they keep taking it out on me & trying to gaslight me or continue to pretend I’m the problem so they can save face? Nah uh. Not ok.
That’s where boundaries come in.
I’m at the point now where I am done.
I can’t go there.
I won’t cater to those types and their fuckery any more.
I am finished. And that’s my boundary.
I don’t trust that they will see the way if they haven’t yet.
Some still seek the effigy of me so they can keep on making fun of me, gossiping about me, make their usual slights & digs and think I don’t notice– I did fucking did notice btw- all of them- & whatever jollies they got from that.
I have drawn a new boundary & they are now on the outside of that line & will stay there.
Kind of like the circle of trust in Meet the Fockers.
With grey rocks ready in my hand just in case I need them.
Boundaries aren’t always as deep, they can be smaller, or bigger, but they’re important for your own mental and physical health.
It’s ok to close a door, draw a line, say no, walk away.
It’s ok to realize that someone isn’t treating you in a kind or loving way and admit they aren’t ok or safe for you anymore.
It’s ok to drop the pieces on the floor & leave.
You owe no-one anything, especially if they’ve treated you poorly.
You owe yourself everything and deserve better than being a second choice or a tenth choice or a better than nothing choice. (I have been all of those before & it sucks, I know).
& it’s ok to stand up and say no nope no more no thanks or simply “fuck off”.
Whatever works.